Thouhts

I craved for nothing you know...

I just wanted to be...I don't know, something other than what I am right now. I never thought of doing great things like becoming some well known person who has thousands of friends on Facebook, and everybody likes and “adores”, and is rich and has connections, and drives some ego-penis-car.  

But I wanted to be something more in terms of the person who at the time I have in my life.
I wanted to be everything, I wanted to be the one who will never back out on her. Who will be there, even when the dark skies cloud all over the Earth and the cries of mankind echo
in the vastness of inevitability.
All these things I wanted to be...But I lost my path.

Thinking over the things I've done in the past, I realize, that whatever I do, whatever I want to do, I will always be found wanting. And the reason is that I will always crave for that extra attention, that thin red line that defines love and the insanity of obsession. Not that I ever existed in such a realm of reality, but it completes a person to know, that there is someone in his life who is a receiver of such an abundant source of emotion. Yet I lost my path.

I dream of how things could have turned out, and I wake up in a pool of my own vomit, from the drunken stupor I engaged myself the night before, thinking over these things. You are probably thinking: “Get over it! Find someone else! Get a fucking life!”
And you are most certainly right. However, the thing that defines me as an individual, no matter how insensitive I may look, is that I am too sensitive, and these emotions I am feeling are killing me, slowly but steadily, not because I don't have them anymore (that could never happen), but because I know for a fact, that I have lost the one thing that was so close to what Ann Landers defines as perfection in love: “Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.”

I know my faults as a person, and believe me, they are a treat. However, I foreshadow all these bad attributes by doing what I believe is proper. And by proper I mean, putting not my mind, but my heart and soul in whatever endeavor the person wishes of me. I may not do it perfectly, I may falter, yet somehow through means that can only be described as “deus ex machina”, I always pull through.

Many may argue, that love and relationships, require logic. I disagree in part. The reason for this is that logic may be utilized in instances of settlements and arguments. However, when it comes to the rock bottom, ankles deep in shit, Armageddon crap that befall the human existence, love and heart is all that remains. No matter who you are, what you've done in the past, all that remains are the emotions that drive your every day life. That emotion when you wake up and see laying next to you, the one face that could take whatever demon, whatever Hell you're in, whatever shit you have going on in your life, disappear, and thank whatever deity your interested in, that for that instance in the early morning, I do not hate my life, I do not hate being who I am, I don't loathe myself.

Eventually we wake up. And become entangled in the vicissitudes of every day life. Work, horrible bosses, people who we hate seeing, people claiming they are our friends, and all sorts of crap. And yes, these things do take their toll on us. But they should not hinder us, from achieving what we want in life. This is where I failed...

So now here I am. Alone, writing these words, tears in my eyes, and hands that type endlessly for days words that have no meaning anymore.

The only thing I might crave should I was asked, would be to have a chance once more to undo the past. Only this.

Forgive me...